A monster. That's what was inside me. I couldn't stop it. I could barely influence it. It had control over how I reacted to stress, how I treated loved ones, and even how I saw the world. My childhood had been a process of slowly awakening to this reality; of painstakingly realizing just how damning my situation was. In twenty-one years, I had failed to control it for any length of time. I had failed to do anything more than postpone the inevitable outbursts that would undoubtedly end friendships and destroy my future at a job. If I wanted to progress in life at all, I would need to learn to control the monster.
Integrity is an often misused word. Commonly, it is employed in a vague reference to honesty and reliability. However, integration has a deeper, more subtle meaning: to align one's good and evil natures toward a common goal. When one's dark side works along the same vector as one's light side, incredible feats can be accomplished. This is not some yin-yang theory only to be found in books or practiced by monks. This is a practicable use of the side of human nature most of us try to hide. If one's dark tendency is toward fearfulness, quitting a comfortable job to go back to school at thirty may be terrifying. What if he fails? What if he spends all that money on a degree that he can't use? What if he can't go back to his old job? However, if that same person looks at the possibility of not going, fear can work for him: what if he never leaves his boring office job? What if he never realizes his true potential? What if he misses his chance to change careers? Anger, greed, and envy can all be bent toward good through integration. However, it takes honest self-reflection, realistic planning, and willful dedication to make these changes. That Western society ignores the darker facets of personality is at best ill-informed, and at worst intentionally abusive. The idea that one can prune his character to represent only the good is not only ignorant in its conception but also tragic in its application.
Integrating the darker elements of my personality has been a years-long struggle. The temptation to simply suppress the darkness within has often been overwhelming. On Tuesday, I will release the first letter in a mini-series intended to address the integration of darkness from my own experience and offer simple, practical advice. I will occasionally interstice these amidst the ongoing stories of life as a foster family.
The following series is entitled A Young Man’s Guide to Darkness because I am a man and can therefore address the character of young men with at least some authority. However, I am sure there will be advice which will be useful in some form to young women and mothers.
I would like your feedback on these letters to my future children as we work through them together.
"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole."
-Carl Jung