Today, I watched as Sam poured a cup of dry dog food onto the ground. He'd been aiming for Rue's bowl, but I knew he would miss. Half of the food went onto the carpet.
Initially, Aubrey and I had trouble getting Sam to do anything; getting dressed, sitting through dinner, and even staying still for a diaper change were practical impossibilities. Then I remembered something the clinical psychologist Dr. Jordan B. Peterson said, "[b]eware of doing anything for your children that they could do for themselves."
So, we sought ways in which we could foster independence by encouraging Sam to do what he could on his own. We began by having Sam choose his clothes, pick out his shoes, and select a bedtime book for us to read (it's always The Littlest Airplane). Additionally, he's now responsible for closing doors around the house, putting his used dinnerware in the sink, and feeding all the animals, a task for which he has more passion than skill.
This has made a noticeable change; though he still gets fussy at times, he usually changes his tune when we remind him of his responsibilities or ask him to make a choice.
There are, of course, downsides that we might otherwise avoid: we've had falls on ice skates, broken plates, and forty breakfast's worth of scrambled eggs dropped to the waiting dogs below.
But what good is it if we do the task for him? In such cases, humans learn precious little.
Furthermore, the understanding that one can affect change in the world around oneself is essential to maturing as a human. To have always the notion that mommy will save you makes for a terrible teen and a worse adult.
Standing on one's own and shaping the world at will is crucial to building a meaningful and impactful life. In many cases, it is also critical for survival.
The understanding of personal facility is so valuable that the FAA addresses its antithesis—resignation—as one of the five hazardous attitudes that kill otherwise capable pilots. Resignation makes the list because it gives the pilot an excuse for inaction. Even in my relatively short career as an airman, there have been numerous times that I noticed a far senior pilot making a mistake. Early on, I assumed they knew something I did not, so I stayed silent. This ended one day when I watched a pilot with 40 more years of experience than myself taxi onto a runway without a clearance. This mistake, called a runway incursion, has the potential to cause a devastating collision between two airplanes.*
After realizing the risk involved with not speaking up, I resolved to say something anytime I felt the situation was questionable. This has resulted in several false positives (times when I said something but was wrong in thinking it was a problem), but that can only, at the very worst, make me look dumb. False negatives (times when I didn't say anything, and something was wrong), are far more consequential.
The hesitancy to offer input to someone who is of a higher station than oneself is driven by the power distance. This phenomenon is an unfortunate site-effect of traditional hierarchies and is amplified in more conservative cultures such as Japan, and, historically, America. To combat this in the cockpit, airmen use a technique called crew resource management wherein planning for the trip is discussed in a way that is both comprehensive and open.
In our house, we use family meetings. Every week, we sit down with everyone in the family [who can talk] and have a discussion. We review the preceding week and discuss the things we would like to do in the week to come. We layer plans on top of existing schedules and weather forecasts to optimize the chances of a positive outcome.
One thing we don't do in the meetings is vote. Everyone at the meeting can put forth ideas, and then we discuss them. If there's a disagreement, we all hash it out. No one gets to unilaterally choose what happens and we don't let democracy decide. By allowing each participant to make his or her case, we all get the benefit of hearing numerous ideas and selecting the best one. From there, further refinements can be made if necessary.
This system encourages two more facets of personal facility: planning and convincing others. It also provides a regulated framework for bringing forth possible conflict. In doing so, we have found that it fosters an "us versus the issue" rather than "me versus you" attitude in problem-solving. This works to bring the faculties of everyone at the table to bear on the matter at hand; no small achievement when working to solve life's dilemmas.
In all of this promotion of individual facility, we do still maintain a line of unacceptable risk that the children are not allowed to cross. This is, of course, tailored to each child and ever-evolving. Lacey was allowed to walk to her friend's house down the road; Sam is not allowed outside by himself.
I want to discuss risk more in the future. For now, we can sum up 'unacceptable risk' as anything likely to have a long-lasting, negative impact on the child.
It's easy to "just brush his teeth for him really quick," or "just show her where she went wrong on the math problem," but giving children room to learn on their own allows them to truly embody an understanding of the challenge at hand and take that understanding into the future, a time when you won’t be there to help. The independence that working through problems on one's own fosters is an essential (and endangered) tool for success as an adult.
So, for now, I'll keep helping clean up dog food, nudging teens through homework, and watching children grow from a few feet behind them.
*In fact, there was recently (1/2/24) a plane-on-plane collision between a large airliner and a Japanese Coast Guard airplane at a Tokyo airport. Amazingly, all 392 people on board both aircraft survived. However, both airplanes were destroyed. This accident highlights the devastating potential outcome of such a seemingly small mistake.
My youngest of 3 having just turned 18 in December, I can assure you that you are exactly right. For all that I did *for* my children, it’s one less thing they can do for themselves. 😞. You guys are doing it right!