"No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell."
- Carl Jung
Riding my bicycle the two miles home from my job at Fox Factory might have been a truly enjoyable affair, save for the fact that half of the trip was on a busy five-lane road with no shoulder. My strategy was simple: be visible and take the whole lane. There was another lane for passing but riding home during rush hour meant I usually kept up with the tightly-packed traffic. However, it was still common for drivers to honk or flip me off, but I stayed cheery and held my ground.
One sunny afternoon I was riding in just such a way when a car began honking at me. I gave a polite wave and stayed in the lane; there was nowhere else I could go. The driver continued to lay on the horn and began yelling expletives out his open window. I waved for him to pass, but either he couldn't or didn't want to. This went on for a couple blocks until he finally peeled out into the left lane. Relieved, I watched him pass. Then, he swerved into the right lane and against the curb, blocking any escape for me. I saw him unbuckling his seatbelt and preparing to get out. I had no tools for defending myself: no pepper spray or taser, and I am not a large man.
Quickly, I tossed my bike into a nearby bush and charged the driver’s door as he began to open it. I slammed it shut and snarled through the open window, spewing venom:
"Get out of that fucking car! I'll rip your balls off and eat them for a snack! Come out of there and I'll shove your goddam head so far up your asshole you'll taste what you had for lunch!"
I backed away, yelling at him to get out of the car to fight. Traffic came to a standstill with onlookers. The man inside the car went wide-eyed.
"Get out bitch!" I yelled in a guttural roar.
He began to back his car away from the curb.
"You’re a crazy motherfucker," he said pulling away.
This was the first time I'd wielded my anger as a tool rather than a self-destructive bomb. It had been a blunt tool, more club than razor, but I had bent it to my will. More than simply quieting the monster inside me, I had shown I could harness it to do my bidding.
Anger is all-too-often viewed exclusively as evil, as part of ‘the problem’ of toxic masculinity.
But how should a soldier respond when his homeland is threatened? How should a husband react when a stranger at the bar gets handsy with his wife? How should a father react when schoolteachers provide pornography to his child and talk about sexuality with minors? Anger. Anger in these cases is natural. Anger in these cases is righteous. Anger in these cases is necessary. It must be properly applied and under disciplined and precise control. But it must be present. Otherwise, the man will have no reason to act; no reason to rock the boat, upset anyone, or fight. Laying just below the surface, well-controlled but clearly visible, anger shows predators that the defending man is truly dangerous. Capable of monstrous aggression; a force to be reckoned with.
Matthew 5:5 says: "[b]lessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Meek in modern English has a strong negative connotation. However, the original Greek word was praus meaning a wild animal that had been tamed. So, it is not the gentle nor the weak who shall inherit the earth, but those who become monsters and voluntarily control their capacity for horror.
But modern women want sensitive, caring, kind men. Today's professional women have access to career opportunities, the security of police, and rights in society. A modern woman may even want a stay-at-home dad to take care of the kids and clean the house while she makes the money.
Yes, this can be true on the fringes. Some women will find this setup fulfilling. Some men will be happy to stay at home and bake, do laundry, and take the kids to soccer practice. However, this setup does not preclude a man from learning to control his anger. The integration of rage into a man’s character does not imply that he will be the primary breadwinner. In fact, control over one's nature is the first step towards truly caring for others. There is no virtue in being weak: virtue exists in being able to cause harm and choosing peace whenever possible.
Furthermore, research shows this attitude, though often publicly espoused, is rarely genuine1. Even the explosive success of the Fifty Shades of Grey series suggests otherwise. Women may profess to desire an ‘ally’ of the modern feminist or intersectional movements; however, they vote a different way when it comes to their desires.
Worse is the fact that this approach is dishonest. Few men truly desire such cuckoldry2. Why then choose it? The Sneaky Fucker Strategy3. Also known as kleptogamy and used across several species, some males will forego the arena of strength and competency in favor of attempting to slip past competitors unnoticed. They assume the morphology of a female and live among them as a woman. This is an effective mating tactic. In animals, smaller male gorillas, deer, and cuttlefish practice this approach. Humans have relatively more control over their morphology through diet and exercise, but we still see men who are weak, both physically and psychologically, employing kleptogamy. These lesser men paint themselves as allies to the feminist cause. Once embedded, the male has opportunities to mate with otherwise inaccessible females. Whether the human male is earnest in his representation as an ally is of no import; it is the unearned sexual access that will haunt him as he moves forward in life, to say nothing of his mate and any offspring. The knowledge that one was not strong enough to earn the attention of his sexual partner outright and had to use misdirection will not be lost on any man capable of even basic understanding. Furthermore, relationships founded on such trickery will forever be unstable. The man will implicitly (or worse, explicitly) understand that he was chosen for reasons other than deep attraction and genuine love. The question of whether he won the affection of his mate can never be answered ‘yes.’ In taking the coward’s path, the man has precluded himself from the satisfaction and confidence provided by winning the attention and then the love of a woman. Furthermore, the relationship is inherently one-sided, with the woman holding control over its future, rather than balanced in attraction and desire.
Worse still, this neutered cuck of a human is far from innocent. He has neither the ability to defend his family nor the strength to control his dark side. He knows his inner darkness and lies about its very existence. The act of purporting harmlessness is, in itself, both a revelation and an act of evil.
Ancestral women4 have had the honor; no, no, the privilege of refining5 men’s anger throughout the last 300,000 years or so6. Too aggressive and she and her offspring were in danger. Too docile and the father was incapable of protecting his family. In this way, females have walked the tightrope of male aggressiveness and refined it to a generally usable spectrum.
How shall we then live? If you struggle to control anger as I did, you must first understand, then learn to contain, and then practice anger.
Understand
First, it is important to differentiate between anger, violence, and hatred. Anger is a swift, overwhelming emotion that pushes one towards confrontation. Violence is often a result of anger but is the physical assault itself. Hatred is a slow, burning disdain for an oppressive boss, a political party, or Dodge Rams.
Anger’s primary utility is as a signal; an alert to a threat. The threat may be real, in which case you should act. Or the threat may be overblown or even imagined. If the threat is real, there are usually several ways to respond. The methods of response fall into two broad categories: visible anger and subdued anger.
Visible anger, as I used on my commute, is not often the correct tool. In most cases, you will need to control anger; to keep it alive but hidden. To use anger as a guide to change the world around you rather than as a means of menacing a predator. This is subdued anger.
Contain
The next step is learning to contain anger. One must first wholeheartedly pursue mastering anger, which means foregoing the intoxicating release that comes from justifiably lashing out at a company that cheated you or a friend who betrayed you. Yoga, prayer, and meditation are all good starting positions. These practices teach one to live within the moment to the extent possible. Though simple, this is not an easy matter. Mindfulness of the present is essential because it is in the moment and not in the future or the past that we must face this monster. When a man is present, he can see anger as it rises; before it strikes.
When you are in the moment, anger’s signal is easily visible. Once detected, it is often best to pause and evaluate the need for action. If, after a moment of contemplation, you believe that action is the correct response, you will have the benefit of self-assurance at the cost of only a minute or two. In most cases, delaying your anger, even shortly, gives you the advantage of keeping your options open. Time is not always available for this delay, but when it is, the opportunity should not be skipped. Furthermore, if your counterpart expected anger, he will now be on his back foot.
If you are struggling to catch anger early enough, write down a list of things that make you angry. It doesn't have to be exhaustive, but it does have to be honest; if your wife angers you by texting at dinner, write it down. If telemarketer calls anger you, write that down. Whenever you approach one of the situations on the list, resolve to not get angry this time, or for five minutes, or for one minute. Build on this patience, submitting your anger to your will in larger and riskier situations.
Do not let resentment build. Resentment is like an infection, festering beneath the surface, eating away at its host and invisible to the public, growing, rotting away the body around it until it explodes. Resentment is the highway to anger.
A direct counter to resentment is gratefulness. I keep a gratefulness journal in which I record at least one thing for which I am grateful every day. Because I know I need to write something down, I am always looking for something positive. This has had a noticeable impact on my outlook and my overall proclivity for anger.
Building on the foundations above, one can start to discipline one’s anger by establishing hard, real-world limitations.
Physical exercise offers an arena of play with absolute limits. Rock climbing was my first real sport and in it I found the boundaries necessary to learn discipline. Rock walls are unforgiving; they do not care how hard you try, how much you deserve the climb, or how angry you are. You cannot get to the top of a rock wall by sweet-talking it or beating it into submission. You must face the wall on its terms; meeting the challenge it presents. This requires a mind that is disciplined. If you get afraid on the wall, you will lose valuable time, energy, and focus. If you get angry when you fall, the anger will be wasted on an inanimate object. You must bring your body, your will, and your emotions into alignment; you must integrate them. Climbing, especially larger walls, is unique in that it demands self-control for several minutes or even several hours. Fear and anger will try to seep in, and the successful climber must become aware of these growing threats and choose to control them.
These are the steps that helped me contain my anger. If you have tried these suggestions for six months and still have not seen a change in your ability to handle anger, consider therapy. Though I do not believe therapy is necessary or even beneficial for everyone, I do believe that a skilled therapist can help individuals deal with troubling personal issues.
Practice
How then, can one practice the use of such a destructive force?
‘No.’
‘No’ is the simplest threat. ‘No’ is socially acceptable, but it is still a threat. When you tell someone ‘[n]o, you may not do that,' you are implying that there are consequences for failing to heed your words. In many cases, the mere act of telling someone ‘[n]o,’ will be sufficient. The threat will be understood, and you will prevail. But threats should never be empty. I once had a coworker who was rude, self-centered, and worst of all, dangerous. She frequently threw her weight around and treated others as if they were little more than an annoyance. Worse still, she often broke laws that put herself and others in danger. When this law-breaking happened the first time, I made a mental note of it but didn't bring it up: anyone can have a bad day. The second time it happened, I realized that this had the potential to be a serious and deadly pattern, so I noted the details of the current and prior incidents. When it happened the third time, I waited until the situation had passed; it would only make a dangerous situation worse to discuss it in the moment. But immediately afterward, I asked her if she had believed that the occurrence wouldn't come to the potentially deadly near-miss it had. When she failed to provide a reasonable explanation, I brought up the prior two incidents. Using subdued anger, I told her she would not continue to endanger my life with her lack of professionalism. I told her that if it happened again, I would file a legal report on her actions. She was, of course, deeply upset that I confronted her. But I had told her ‘no’ in a way that was stern, professional, measured, and had tangible consequences. Two weeks later she invited me out for a beer and apologized.
Anger is difficult to handle and can lead to serious and devastating consequences. But men must master it or risk becoming subjected to the will of others.
Notes
1) As predicted, women rate muscular men as sexier…; Frederick, D. A., & Haselton, M. G. (2007). Why is muscularity sexy? tests of the fitness indicator hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33(8), 1167–1183. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167207303022
2) Men did not prioritize good financial prospects in a partner…; Thomas, A. G., Jonason, P. K., Blackburn, J. D., Kennair, L. E., Lowe, R., Malouff, J., Stewart‐Williams, S., Sulikowski, D., & Li, N. P. (2019). Mate preference priorities in the East and west: A cross‐cultural test of the mate preference priority model. Journal of Personality, 88(3), 606–620. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12514 Maynard Smith, John; Evolution and the Theory of Games; 1993
3) For instance, when A is assumed to be constant, and in absence of viability selection, it was noted that for the assortative mating scheme the assorting rates essentially assume the role of relative viabilities. Raper, J. (1982). Preferential mating in symmetric multilocus systems: Limits for multiallelism and for many loci. Genetics, 100(1), 149–158. https://doi.org/10.1093/genetics/100.1.149
4) The rapid response to selection shows that the female preference is highly heritable. O’Donald, P., & Majerus, M. E. (1985). Sexual selection and the evolution of preferential mating in Ladybirds I. Selection for high and low lines of female preference. Heredity, 55(3), 401–412. https://doi.org/10.1038/hdy.1985.124
5) Undiscriminating eagerness in males and discriminating passivity in females must have been early effects of intra-masculine selection… Bateman, A. J. (1948). Intra-sexual selection in drosophila. Heredity, 2(3), 349–368. https://doi.org/10.1038/hdy.1948.21
6) Fortunately, humans are not bound to the limited arenas available to other animals and have the opportunity to demonstrate competence in one of innumerable contests and fields of expertise.